Simmons on Colbert
Listed in: OtherSo last night saw the much-anticipated (at least by me and Deadspin) appearance of Bill Simmons, ESPN.com personality, on my favorite television show, The Colbert Report. For those of you unfamiliar with the show, it basically does to news pundit shows what The Daily Show does to the evening news. I've loved watching Colbert ever since he first appeared on The Daily Show years ago, and his new show rarely fails to crack me up.
So how did Billy do? Well, it was a mixed bag. On the plus side, his voice was far less grating then I remembered from his ill-conceived appearances on I Love the 80s/90s. Maybe he's been getting some coaching or something. The negative: he looked pretty puffy...I guess all that playing Madden while using the treadmill isn't enough to maintain a lean physique.
Of course, the real questions were: was he gonna say anything funny or intelligent (or god forbid, both). My expectations weren't exactly sky-high, considering that the quality of his columns has drastically declined over the last few years, and he gets to spend hours on those. Off-the-cuff witty remarks are rarely part of a writer's arsenal.
He didn't exactly start out on a high note, first calling his book "already dated," since apparently a 2004 World Series championship isn't enough for him and other Red Sox fans. Considering how frequently he harped on his damn "five-year grace period" idea, it's odd that he's already saying stuff like Red Sox fans were happier before they won the World Series. Yeah, I really feel sorry for you Billy boy, what with your 2004 World Series title, your three Super Bowl wins in the last five years, not to mention 16 Celtics titles. That sound? It's me beating myself in the head with a Super Bowl XL DVD set.
The only real funny line he had was in reference to George Bush throwing out the first pitch for Game 3 of the 2001 World Series, and delivering a strike despite the bulletproof vest he was wearing. Simmons noted that he doubted any other president could have done as well, and said "Bill Clinton throws like a girl." Good stuff.
He also unveiled his plan to save USA Basketball, by making 18-year-olds play. I agree with the point that it's hard to expect greatness when the players barely get a chance to practice together, and it would be nice to see a real national team formed, but I'm not sure why everyone gets so up in arms about us losing. There's no law in nature that says that the US has to win every major basketball championship for the rest of existance. Deal with the fact that basketball now belongs to the world, and we'll all be the better for it.
In honor of Awful Announcing's ratings system, this appearance gets 1 1/2 eagles attacking and killing a bear.
