So as you might have noticed, the site has been a bit devoid of content the last week or two. Ben and David are still getting settled in their new digs (no TV and no Internet make...), and I've been too depressed by the Mariners to write a much of anything. In any case, Ben and I started this post over two years ago, but with the Simpsons Movie premiering today we figured now was as a good a time as any to finish it.

In case you couldn't tell, the three of us are huge fans of the show. Hell, the name of this blog comes from the episode where the Isotopes are moving to Albuquerque. Oddly enough, Ben and I are like crotchety old sportswriters when it comes to the show, as we steadfastly insist that it was much better "back in the day." You'll see this from our list, where none of the shows were made within the last decade (longer, actually). The way we made our list was by each listing our top 25 episodes, and then assigning points (25 for #1, 1 for #25). Anyhow, without further ado:

Zach and Ben's Top 25 Simpsons Episodes of All Time

Top 25 Simpsons Episodes:

1. Cape Feare

Ben says: The best episode featuring the best guest character on the show. Great Bart, great Homer, great Bob, and yes, even great McBain.
Zach says: Top to bottom as good as the Simpsons ever was. It had some great gags (including several references to Nazi Germany), a show-stopping musical number, and even a great sports moment (John Elway’s patented fourth quarter magic). Plus, the rakes.
Best moment: FBI Agent: When I say hello Mr. Thompson and press down on your foot, you smile and nod…Hello, Mr. Thompson (pause)
Homer: I think he’s talking to you.
Best underrated moment: McBain: That’s some outfit Skowie…it makes you look like a homosexual
Crowd: Boo!
McBain: Oh ho, maybe you all are homosexuals!

2. Homer’s Triple Bypass

Ben says: This episode features two of my favorite character prominently- Mr. Burns (as you’ll see) and Dr. Nick, who ranks the best of any peripheral character. Plus Homer is fantastic, the random jokes are great. Worthy of being one of the greatest Simpsons episodes of all time.
Zach says: Any time Homer is eating in bed, you know you’re in for a good episode. Has about as many drop-dead funny lines as seasons 12-16 combined.
Best moment: Mr. Burns: Look at that pig, stuffing his face with donuts on my time. That’s right, keep eating…little do you know you’re drawing ever closer to the poison donut! There is a poison one, isn’t there Smithers?
Smithers: Err…no sir, I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder.
Burns: Damn their oily hides!
Best underrated moment: Bad cops, bad cops...Bad cops, bad cops Springfield cops are on the take. But what do you expect for the money we make? Whether in a car or on a horse, we don't mind using excessive force. Bad cops, bad cops...Bad cops, bad cops.

3. Homer at the Bat

Ben says: My favorite player of all time at his absolute all time best. Come on Mr. Burns, he had 9 home runs that day! Plus, Mike Scioscia nearly dies a horrible death.
Zach says: As a sports fan, as well as a Simpsons fan, no episode better marries the two. I mean, you’ve got my favorite player suffering from gigantism AND playing pick-up baseball for Ralph Wiggum.
Best moment: (Talkin’ Softball) Well Mr. Burns had done it, the power plant had won it, with Roger Clemens clucking all the while. Mike Scioscia’s tragic illness made us smile, and Wade Boggs lay unconscious on the barroom tile. We’re talking softball, from Maine to San Diego, we’re talking softball, Mattingly and Canseco, Ken Griffey’s grotesquely swollen jaw, Steve Sax and his run-in with the law. We’re talking Homer, Ozzie and the Straw.
Best underrated moment: Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules.
You can't leave first until you chug a beer.
Any man scoring has to chug a beer.
You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings.
Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, we know how to play softball.

4. Marge vs. the Monorail

Ben says: Solid all-around episode, great lines from Grandpa, Burns, Quimby, and Spock. Batman is a scientist.
Zach says: The greatest opening in Simpsons history. Evil Burns, perhaps the greatest song in Simpsons history, classic Phil Hartman, and Leonard Nimoy just for kicks. I call the big one Bitey!
Best moment: No doubt, the Monorail Song: Langley: Well sir, there’s nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona fide, electrified, six-car monorail!
Best underrated moment: Burns: My name is Mr. Snrub, yes, that will do, and I come from some place very far away. I think we should that invest that money in the nuclear power plant.
Smithers: I like the way Snrub thinks!

5. Last Exit to Springfield

Ben says: Why must you turn my office into a House of Lies? Seriously, it features Burns at his best, as far as being central to the storyline. It didn’t make the moment but I loved the Grinch parody.
Zach says: This episode captures both my love of the American union man and the Grinch that stole electricity. It also features Lisa playing the guitar, a rare sight in Simpsons lore.
Best moment: Lisa needs braces/Dental plan (8x)
Best underrated moment: Burns: Find the bathroom all right?
Homer: Uh…yeah…

6. Deep Space Homer

Ben says: The real star of this episode is that incomparable inanimate carbon rod!
Zach says: I love this episode because I love science fiction, and thus loved the Planet of the Apes and Alien references…as well as the parodies of Home Improvement and Married, With Children…eh, no Peg. I’ll show you inanimate!
Best moment: Reporter: Uh, question for the barbeque chef. Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending under-qualified civilians into space?
Homer: I'll field this one. The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute...Statue of Liberty...that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
Best underrated moment: Burns: Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. Hmm? What? Oh, and by that I mean, it’s time for the Worker of the Week Award!

7. Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment
Ben says: Homer has never been smarter, Rex Banner was never seen again, and what happened to that narrator?
Zach says: Only the Simpsons could make jokes about Prohibition, some 70-odd years ago, seem funny and timely.
Best moment: Homer: To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of Life’s problems!
Best underrated moment: Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stand for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property…are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?

8. Sideshow Bob Roberts
Ben says: The Simpsons’ best political rip ever. It’s like they took everything I hated about the Republican party and condensed it into one amazingly potent half-hour. Still, I think I’d rather have Bob than Bush.
Zach says: Oh no, the dead have risen…and they’re voting Republican! I agree with Ben from a political aspect, but my favorite rip is actually when Quimby agrees to name the new expressway the “Matlock Expressway” just to ensure the old-person vote.
Best moment: Mayor “Sideshow” Bob Terwilliger: Sure, your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! That’s why I did this people, to protect you from your selves.
Best underrated moment: Lisa: I don't think Bob won that election legally. I can't believe a convicted felon would get so many votes and another convicted felon would get so few.

9. Who Shot Mr. Burns – Part One

Ben says: Mr. Burns descends into cartoonish supervillainy and hilarity ensues. It also might mark the moment where the show started to show signs of decline, though it would be years before that became clear.
Zach says: Not only was it brilliantly funny, but it marked a point in the show’s history and growth when it truly took over television. All summer long, all anyone could talk about what who did shoot Mr. Burns…too bad no one got it right.
Best moment: Burns: Smithers, who is that ignoramus? Smithers, who is that lollygagger? Who is the blubberpot? Who is that baffleweed? Lummox? Puddinghead? Beanhead? Goon? Goldbricker? Goofball? Drizzlepuss? Fumblefist?
Homer: Stop it!
Best underrated moment: Burns: I want that oil well! I've got a monopoly to maintain! I own the Electric Company, and the Water Works, plus the hotel on Baltic Avenue!
Skinner: That hotel's a dump and your monopoly's pathetic.

10. Whacking Day

Ben says: These days, Bart is pretty much just a dumbass prankster. But back in the earlier days of the show, Bart was an intelligent kid who was a severe underachiever and tended to use his faculties towards evil (such as him getting Milhouse’s picture on America’s Most Wanted). This episode plays to Bart’s intelligence and his deviousness (how can you not like a chicken being upset that a tractor is demeaning both it and Bart), which is nice. It also showed the questionable way history is told in Springfield, but I think does it far less heavy-handed and obvious than the later episode where Lisa attempts to debunk Jebediah Springfield.
Zach says: Another episode exploring the musical talents of Lisa, as she lays down a heavy baseline to save the snakes…plus, it guest-stars the late, great Barry White, who loves the sexy slither of a lady snake. But more to the point, this episode is just flat-out fun, from Homer taking out a bevy of fake snakes via some slick martial arts moves to an always-hilarious Chalmers visit to Springfield Elementary.
Best moment: Homer: Lisa, inside every man is a battle between Good and Evil which can never be resolved (Homer in a devil suit dancing on the grave of Good Homer) I am Evil Homer, I am Evil Homer, I am Evil Homer, long live Evil Homer!
Best underrated moment: Skinner: When was the battle of New Orleans?
Lisa: January 8th, 1815…two weeks after the war ended.
Chalmers: First rate!
Ralph Wiggum: What’s a battle?
Chalmers: Did that child just say “what’s a battle?”
Skinner: No, he said “what’s that rattle?”
Chalmers: It sounded like “battle.”
Skinner: Well I have a cold.
Chalmers: So you hear Bs as Rs?
Skinner: Yes.

11. A Star is Burns

Ben says: Crossovers normally suck, but this one and their X-Files one were both excellent. I tend to think this is because the guest might be headlining, but they’re no more important to an episode than original one shot characters. Jay Sherman is no more important to this storyline than say Rex Banner or Hank Scorpio. They’re key, but the story is still about Homer and his escapades. So it works.
Zach says: Perhaps you’re starting to sense a theme…Ben and I love Mr. Burns. But I love this episode because it features a cross-over with a great cartoon, The Critic, which never seemed to get a legitimate chance…Jon Lovitz is great as Jay Sherman, all of the films are hilarious, and McBain gets silly for $80 million.
Best moment: Football in the groin, football in the groin.
Best underrated moment: Kent Brockman: In science, dead last.
Skinner (being burned at the stake): I’m telling you people, the Earth revolves around the Sun.
Grandpa: Burn him!
Reporter: What a story (takes a picture)!
Grandpa: You stole my soul!

12. Rosebud

Ben says: This episode is great because of the many random bits that flow together perfectly. From Bobo ending up with Hitler in 1945, to Burns running across television stations, to the random joke about how the Kwik E Mart gets ice- it shouldn’t make sense, but it does. This is what Family Guy has tried to do but never could perfectly emulate; random humor towards a clear goal. It’s exemplified on this episode.
Zach says: Yes, more Burns magic. The whole episode is a great parody of Citizen Kane, with a bit of Planet of the Apes tacked on at the end. This episode exemplifies what used to make the Simpsons great, the fact that even the secondary characters could be fleshed out in great detail. Here, we saw that while Mr. Burns may be evil and tyrannical, he too can feel love and affection. Of course, now the show seems to delight in showing how one-dimensional its characters can be, but at least we’ve got the DVDs.
Best moment: Smithers: Sir, Look at all the wonderful things you have, sir: King Arthur's "Excalibur". The only existing nude photo of Mark Twain. And that rare first draft of the Constitution with the word "suckers" in it.
Best underrated moment: Homer: I knew you’d come crawling back.
Burns: How much do you want?
Homer: A million dollars and three Hawaiian islands. Good ones, not the leper ones!
Burns: Done!

13. You Only Move Twice

Ben says: I don’t love this episode as much as Zach does, mainly because everything outside of the main plot is not funny. However, Hank Scorpio IS hilarious is enough to make the episode entertaining to watch. By the way, the year Homer became owner of the Broncos, they went 13-3. Coincidence? Or did Scorpio know something about Homer we all didn’t?
Zach says: The first episode on the list that Ben and I greatly disagree on. I love this episode because, in my mind, it’s got as many laughs as any episode ever. Hank Scorpio is both the greatest boss ever and a hilarious send up of super-villains everywhere.
Best moment: Homer: [reading] "Project Arcturus couldn't have succeeded without you. This will get you a little closer to that
dream of yours. It's not the Dallas Cowboys, but it's a start. Drop me a line if you're on the East Coast, Hank Scorpio." [a whole football team is on his lawn]
Homer: [disappointed] Aw, the Denver Broncos!
Marge: I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good [a player tries to catch the ball, but falls].
Homer: Yeah, yeah.
Marge: Well, explain to me why it isn't. [John Elway tries to catch the ball, but it hits him in the head]
Homer: [sighs] You just don't understand football, Marge
Best underrated moment: UN Delegate 1: Oh my God, the 59th Street Bridge!
Delegate 2: Maybe it just collapsed on its own.
Delegate 1: We can’t take that chance.
Delegate 2: You always say that! I want to take a chance!

14. $pringfield

Ben says: Hahaha! What’s not to like about this episode? Homer defeats Gamblore, Ralph’s underrated “I’m Idaho” costume, Burns going insane. The Bart subplot? Hilarious. Now what was I laughing about? Oh yes, that crippled Irishman!
Zach says: Another excellent Burns bit, with him slowly going insane a la Howard Hughes…better keep those jars of urine. My biggest beef with this episode is that the Marge as a gambling addict storyline is kind of bland…but there are enough throwaway lines to more than make up for it. Grandpa at the Social Security office, Homer on the Gong Show, and Barney knocking out Jerry Cooney…brilliant!
Best moment: Lisa: Mom!
Homer: Huh -- wha -- Lisa! What's up?
Lisa: I just had a bad dream! Homer: Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it.
Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the Bogeyman was after me, and he's hiding under…
Homer: Aah! Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun! [running into Bart’s room] Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a bogeyman or bogeymen in the house!"
Later, Marge walks in, there are bullet holes in the door and the couch is tipped over in the living room…as she opens the door, Homer points a shotgun at her
Marge: What happened here?
Homer: Oh nothing, Marge. Just a little incident involving the Bogeyman!
Best underrated moment: Burns: Now, to the plant! We’ll take the Spruce Moose. [Points at model] Now hop in.
Smithers: But, sir…
Burns [cocking gun]: I said, hop in.

15. Homer & Apu

Ben says: Homer and Apu have been paired off in some crazy scheme once a season these days, but this was the first one that actually had them together. Hilarity ensued. Features one of the earliest and best musical numbers in the show while successfully portraying Homer as an ignorant buffoon, rather than just an ass, a problem in recent seasons. I mean was that guy REALLY the head of the Kwik E Mart?
Zach says: Strangely, most of the episodes that feature some form of travel or another are usually pretty good. Apu really fits into the household, which makes this one work better than, say, the Otto Show. Read what Ben said about Homer, and then imagine me saying it.
Best moment: Who needs the Kwik E Mart? Not me!
Best underrated moment: Apu: Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp.
Homer: This shrimp isn't frozen! And it smells funny!
Apu: Ok, 10 pounds.
Homer: Woohoo!

16. Krusty Gets Kancelled

Ben says: While the most important episode in the Bart/Lisa/Krusty dynamic was unquestionably the first, where Sideshow Bob frames him, this was the funniest. There are loads of great lines and featured the most debate over the best line from the episode. I still maintain it should have been “Old gray mare she ain’t what she used to be, ain’t what she used to be.” Side note, I’m fairly certain Marge has no spoken lines on this entire episode. I’m not sure I can think of another episode where this is the case.
Zach says: Guest stars have generally been the bane of the show: they became a way for the writers to come up with an idea for the show, even if the way they came into Springfield was preposterous. This time, though, it just makes sense.
Best moment: Johnny Carson: Now Krusty, I just hope you remember to save your money this time.
Assistant: Here’s that ruby-studded clown nose you ordered Krusty!
Krusty: Ohh….
Best underrated moment: The opening- Bart and Homer see a commercial that just says “GABBO, GABBO, GABBO!”
Bart: What was that?
Homer: I figure it’s some guy’s name…. Some guy named Gabbo.

17. The 138th Episode Spectacular

Ben says: All Hail Troy McClure. Or should I say the late great Phil Hartman. It’s pretty impressive that his voice acting could make a clip show interesting. I liked this method more than the Behind the Laughter episode years later.
Zach says: All the other Simpsons clip shows suck. However, this one works for two reasons: the aforementioned McClure, and the fact that several of the “unaired” clips were absolutely hilarious.
Best moment: McClure: But of course, for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence…hahaha…and that would be downright nutty.
Best underrated moment: Matt Groening: Get outta my office [fires two shots at camera, which goes to snow]
McClure: Of course, what Matt meant to say, according to his attorneys, is that he couldn’t possibly do it alone, and he insisted that we make time to acknowledge the hard work of everyone who makes The Simpsons possible.

18. The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson

Ben says: The Simpsons in NYC? It’s about darn time. I actually wonder if they play the episode now, considering the car ends up at the World Trade Center. Hmm. I also can’t help but emphatize with Homer’s fears; after all I have an unnatural fear of small Christian towns, especially those below the Mason Dixon Line.
Zach says: As I said before, the show travels well. If Checkin’ In had been playing while I was in New York, you can bet I’d have been there. Plus, we get a glimpse into the wild and wacky world of Mad Magazine.
Best moment: Homer’s flashback to NY in the 70’s. He gets his picture taken by someone, only to have them steal the camera. He tells a cop, only to have the cop steal his suitcase. Then Homer gets trashed dumped on him from above by Woody Allen. When Homer flicks off a banana peel, he hits a street pimp in all his stereotyped glory. The pimp then chases Homer, pimpstyle. The end result is Homer ending up in a sewer.
Best underrated moment: Homer to a street vendor: What do you have to drink?
Vendor: I have Mountain Dew or Crab Juice.
Homer: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. I’ll take the Crab Juice.

19. Homer the Vigilante

Ben says: Sam Neil rocks as the voice of Malloy. It’s also one of the better Grampa heavy episodes. Homer as a vigilante is something that has been tried since but never done as well as it was here. The statistics agree; Forfty percent of people know that.
Zach says: This episode shows you every side of Homer: loving father, alcoholic, idiot with violent tendencies, along with many more. Plus, it shows just how gullible Springfield can be.
Best moment: Herman: Come with me. See, it’s a miniature version of the A-Bomb. The government built it in the ‘50s to drop on beatniks.
Beatnik: Radiant cool, crazy nightmare, Zen New Jersey nowhere.
Homer [in B-2 bomber]: Put this in your pipe and smoke it! [cue Dr. Strangelove allusion]
Homer: Take that, Maynor J. Krebbs!
Herman: Hey, see the sign [Do Not Ride the Bomb]
Homer: Sorry.
Best underrated moment: Kent: What do you say to the charge that your men are causing more crime than they are stopping.
Homer: Oh Kent, I’d be lying if I said my men weren’t committing crimes. (awkward silence)
Kent: Touché.

20. The Mysterious Voyage of Homer

Ben says: I wholeheartedly believe that if Zach didn’t love Johnny Cash, this episode would not have made it. Don’t get me wrong; it’s great for the first half. Then it degenerates into another “Marge/Homer are meant for each other” fests. Not that the late Cash doesn’t do a great job as the space coyote.
Zach says: First off, come on, it's Johnny Cash as a Space Coyote! Second, like it or not, the “drug trip” episodes have become a part of the Simpsons landscape. No episode does it better, and the entirety of Homer’s trip is hilarious. Wait a second, dogs don’t talk…damn straight!
Best moment: Homer: In your face, Space Coyote!
Best underrated moment: Homer [asking about going on a spiritual journey]: What should I do? Should I give away all my possessions?
Space Coyote: Psh! Are you kidding? If anything you should get more possessions. You don’t even have a computer.

21. 22 Short Films About Springfield

Ben says: An episode like this could have been amazing or down right awful. This one was amazing. Some of the Simpsons side characters best moments have come on this episode and I’m fairly certain this is the one that catapulted Cletus into Simpsons’ secondary character fame.
Zach says: Like the 138th Episode Spectacular, this may be a gimmick, but the level of detail is what makes this one work. While it’s something of a cliché at this point, it really shows the depth of the show that an entire episode could be devoted to ancillary characters. Plus, finally someone is dealing head-on with the terrible epidemic of bonus eruptus among our nation’s elderly.
Best moment: Dr. Nick’s entire sketch from his entrance to his exit. Come on performing surgery with a knife and fork obtained a seafood restaurant? He DID clean them with his napkin…
Best underrated moment: Skinner and Chalmers.
Chalmers: Aurora Boralis! At this time of year, at this latitude localized ENTIRELY in your kitchen.
Skinner: Yes!
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Eh.. No.

22. Homer the Heretic

Ben says: I’m not that huge fan of this episode, but I do admit its quality. Homer’s conversations with God are clearly the best parts and rank as the best ones from the series.
Zach says: Come on, who wouldn’t want a day like Homer’s? Plus, he actually makes a lot of sound theological points (saying that if God is everywhere, why go to church and pointing out Jesus as someone who didn’t exactly do as he was told) and attracts forest creatures to flock to him.
Best moment: Keith Jackson: Whoa doctor, a 98-yard triple reverse ties the score at 63-63. We’ve seen nothing but razzle-dazzle here today, three visits from Morganna the Kissing Bandit, and the astonishing return of Jim Brown!
Best underrated moment: That’s game, Hendrix!

23. King-Size Homer

Ben says: Two things strike me as odd from this episode. First- Mr. Burns is always so evil. I can’t believe the nice guy Burns who shows up on this one is actually funny, but he is. Second, how did sixty pounds make Homer so darn fat? The guy went from 240-300. It’s some weight but wow… I mean really.
Zach says: First off Ben, he actually goes from 239 all the way up to 315 (towel rack!). Second of all, Homer’s shopping outing is absolutely one of the funniest moments in the show’s history, and I promise that if I ever weight 315 pounds I too will wear a mumu.
Best moment: Dr. Nick- what else? Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?
Best underrated moment: You still owe me ten more Iroquois twists!

24. Lisa On Ice

Ben says: Hockey is a severely underrated sport and the Simpsons did it justice here. Plus Homer’s pitting his kids against one another in such viscous competition would be downright evil if half the country didn’t do the same thing. Heck, people used to give the Williams sisters hell in tennis for not wanting to kill each other when they played.
Zach says: I love this episode for the ending: both Ben and I have younger sisters, and I’m sure we both competed with them plenty in our youth. I’m a sucker for episodes that choke me up, and this one does it every time. I wish they’d had Pee-Wee hockey when I was a lad.
Best moment: Marge: You are not in competition with each other. Repeat, you are not in competition with each other.
Homer: Hey, Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa’s team is playing Bart’s team. You’re in direct competition! And don’t go easy on each other just because you’re brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents’ love. Fight fight fight fight fight!
Best underrated moment: Chief Wiggum: Great job team, nice work today. But unfortunately I bet on the other team, so we won’t be going out for ice cream.

25. Much Apu About Nothing

Ben says: The Simpsons has always balanced current events with pure comedy but in recent years has become preachy and rather heavy handed in their messages. This episode had just the right balance of comedy and insight to make it a classic. Plus you could run it as a new episode now and it would still seem timely. Well except that Mets jersey. They dumped the racing stripe style over fourteen years ago.
Zach says: Ben mostly covered my thoughts as well, but I’ll add that you could never imagine the current show handling an issue like illegal immigration this delicately. Also, the scene where Apu takes the legalization test is awesome.
Best moment: Homer and Lisa watch the Bear Patrol work the neighborhood.
Homer: No bears the Bear Patrol must be doing it’s job.
Lisa: That’s specious reasoning dad. (Homer thanks her) By your logic, I could say this rock protects against tigers.
Homer: Hmmm… How does it work?
Lisa: It doesn’t work! (Homer nods) But I don’t see any tigers around.
Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your rock! (Lisa shrugs and takes the money for it. The mailman delivers Homer’s check) Woo-hoo! No bears and a fat paycheck! (Homer inspects it and finds a 13 cent bear tax) Hey! Bear Patrol tax? This is an outrage! It’s the largest tax increase in history!
Lisa: Actually Dad, it’s the smallest tax increase in history.
Homer: Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax.
Lisa: That’s Home owner tax.
Homer: Whatever, I’m still outraged.
Best underrated moment: Apu pretending to be an American: Hey let us take a relaxed attitude towards work and watch the baseball match. The Ny Mets are my favorite squadron.

Posted by Zachary Geballe at 1:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It's days like today that I wonder why I care about sports. First, the news comes down that the Sonics are almost certainly out the door. Sure, I knew it was likely to happen, but the news that the legislature refused to even discuss the issue feels like the last nail in the coffin. The sad thing is, I can't even get too worked up because even though I love the Sonics I don't really believe in spending hundreds of millions of dollars to bail out rich people. Plus, if building a new arena were a guarantee that the team would contend for championships that would be one thing. But even if the team were much more profitable, it's not as if that money would suddenly make the team good. The Mariners have successfully proven to me that building a new stadium only ensures that the team is profitable, not successful, and I couldn't care less about how much money the Sonics' ownership makes.

Then, the team celebrates the news by getting drilled by Dallas to cap off their worst season in over twenty years. The sad thing is, I was rooting for them to lose, simply so that they had a slightly better chance at getting Greg Oden. Of course, even if they do get him I'll only be able to watch him for one year before he ships out to Oklahoma City, so I suppose I'd better not get my hopes too high.

Of course, I had expected to have that mitigated by the fact that King Felix was pitching. I went down to the game filled with optimism, only to see him struggle with his location and then leave with elbow tightness after 1/3rd of an inning. Then, the Mariners get the tying run thrown out at the plate in the bottom of the ninth.

So I've decided that if Felix is out for any noticeable length of time (more than, say, three weeks), I'm giving up on sports for the summer. No Mariners, no MLB, no fantasy baseball, no NBA playoffs, no NFL Draft, no NBA draft, nothing. Maybe I'll pay attention when football season starts up. But in all honesty, I can't say I'm that excited about the Seahawks either. I think it would be a wonderful way to spend a Northwest summer: hiking, swimming, and stop subjecting myself to the inevitable heartache that sports provide. Seriously, in my 23 years as a sports fan not once have I been left with a reward that feels worth the investment. My favorite team of all time didn't even make the championship round, that's how pathetic things have become. So perhaps I'll have to say "so long sports." I don't think I'd miss you.

In fact, upon further reflection my sports fandom appears rather insane. Sure, the games can be fun distractions, and it's neat to marvel at the sheer athleticism on display. But to get as worked up as I do, so that games which I have no control over can ruin my mood for days or weeks (like the Super Bowl)? What the hell is wrong with me? Why should I continue to care? It would be one thing if one of my teams had won, I could look back on that moment and say "see, this is why I care...because in the end, after all the heartbreak and agony, the winning is all the sweeter." But those moments don't exist for me.

Posted by Zachary Geballe at 2:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

So I was perusing Deadspin today, as I am wont to do, and the final post of the day definitely caught my eye. Apparently, Forbes.com had compiled a ranking of all the GMs in the four major sports. Now, I tend to think that most rankings are basically meaningless, but I was curious to see who Forbes had on top, and what methodology they had used to arrive at their conclusions. Needless to say, I was a bit surprised by what I found.

According to Forbes.com, the best active GM in sports was none other than Minnesota Timberwolves general manager Kevin McHale, a man I had recently dubbed "the Worst GM in Basketball." In third place was another guy who's often considered one of the worst in basketball, 76ers GM Billy King. Conversely, the bottom of the list included Toronto Raptors GM Bryan Colangelo, who's widely regarded as among the best in the business (besides leading the Raptors back to respectability this year, he was the architect of the Phoenix Suns).

So why did the results Forbes generated conflict with conventional wisdom (or more importantly, why didn't I agree with them). I have a few theories:

The Apples to Oranges Problem: The study started with a flawed premise: that you can somehow compare general managers in the four major sports and generate an objective list of who's the best. Why is this a flawed premise? Because GMs have wildly different roles in different sports. Football and basketball general managers are constrained by a salary cap (football GMs more than basketball ones). Since teams in those sports tend to spend similar amounts of money, on-field results should be a fair indicator of competency. Baseball has no salary cap (which means GMs can have vastly different sums of money to work with), while hockey only recently implemented one. Even within the same sport, some general managers have far more responsibility than others: the GM who ranked dead last, Michael Lombardi of the Oakland Raiders, has limited control over personnel decisions because Al Davis takes a hands-on approach to the team. Other GMs like, say, Billy Beane, basically run the entire franchise. Since their duties are so vastly different, it's next to impossible to compare the two.

The Criteria Problem: My bigger beef with the Forbes piece involves the measures they devised to compare general managers. They used just two categories: the team's won-loss record under the GM as compared to the previous three years before he took over, and how his team's payroll compared to the median payroll in the league. Thus, GMs whose teams showed improvement over the previous regime and who did so in a cost-effective manner would rank highly. On the surface, this seems fair enough: good GMs should be able to generate a better record than the guy they replaced, and hopefully they can keep payroll in line at the same time. However, there are several flaws in this approach. Just look at McHale. He took over the team a few years after it had entered the NBA. Thus, his supposed vast improvement basically amounts to a slightly above-.500 record which happened to follow five or so years of the team being a typically pathetic expansion franchise. His teams have advanced past the first round of the playoffs just once in a dozen years, and he seems determined to squander the entire career of one of the finest players of this generation, Kevin Garnett.

I'm not sure there is a way to fairly evaluate general managers within a single sport. I'm almost certain that there's no way to do it across baseball, basketball, football, and hockey. And I'm utterly convinced that if a legitimate mechanism were devised, Kevin McHale would be nowhere near the top of the list.

Editor's Note: Peter J. Schwartz, one of the writers credited on the list, is a college buddy of mine. I hope he'll be able to offer some sort of defense of his rankings, and if he does I'll of course share it with you.

Posted by Zachary Geballe at 3:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

As a sports fan, you know you’re getting old when guys your age are big time stars in the sports you love.

Well on my favorite baseball team alone, the New York Mets, David Wright (born 12/20/82) and Jose Reyes (6/11/83) are pretty big names. That leaves me (2/14/83) feeling a bit older today as I hit the age of 24. Somehow I don’t think I’m ever going to develop that sweet stroke to the right center field gap. Or that killer jump shot either.

So I have to forget the dreams of yesteryear and move forward with some new goals and hopes. As you know if you read my post from yesterday, last year on my birthday, I made 23 wishes (I turned 23) in hopes to that a few would come true. Granted, some were completely off kilter and had no chance of happening, but I got a measly 1.5 wishes of 23.

1.75!!! That’s a .076 clip. Pitchers hit better than that.

So in 2007 I’m trying to do better. I’m going to scale back in the ridiculous wish department (though some will sneak in) and add one more wish to the overall total in honor of my 24th birthday.

The 2007 birthday wish list; extravagant to some but not nearly as bad as Mr. Wright had and Mr. Reyes will on their 24th birthdays, I’m sure.

24. Vince Carter traded for Ron Artest: The Nets need a defensive presence and I’m sick of the Vinsanity’s fade away threes. Give me RJ for offense and RA for defense.

23. Eric Mangini To Dress Up Like “the Penguin”: That’s been the Jets head coach’s nickname so why not? He already dresses in black; all he needs is a top hat, monocle and umbrella. Do it for Halloween coach; I guarantee it will top any of Clinton Portis’ characters. (Come to think of it, the Jets and Redskins play this year. Think of the possibilities!)

22. A Baseball Video Game to actually get the minors right: Heard MVP Baseball ’05 came the closest. The Show ’06 made a nice effort, but wound up just short (there was next to no player development, even though you had AAA and AA). The farm system is what makes baseball different; get it right people.

21. A Good Sportswriter on a Mainstream Site: I’m sick of reading guys whose arguments come down to basic catch phrases (he’s good because he’s got heart!) or hate on players just because everyone else does. (A-Rod isn’t clutch!) My new hope; Larry Dobrow on Sportsline, who just wrote how A-Rod doesn’t suck. (the latest in quite a few quality pieces) I, naturally, agree with him. Or should I say, he agrees with me? Speaking of A-Rod:

20. A-Rod traded: Just so he can go smack 55 homers for some other team and win another MVP. In a perfect world, he’d also hit .500 with four homers and 12 RBI in a victory over the Yankees in the postseason.

19. Win the NCAA Tourney Pool: Perhaps the greatest feeling of victory, because so much has to go your way. Plus there’s no shame is greater than having your National Champion bow out in the first round. The MADNESS!

18. Go out partying with David Wright and Jose Reyes: I might never be a star like them, but there’s no reason we can’t hang out. (Aside from the obvious) I know they can draw out the women. Maybe I can pass for a slap hitting second baseman with a good glove. People do often think I’m Dominican, for no other reason but my skin coloring.

17. A US soccer player (non goalie) makes it big overseas: DeMarcus Beasley looked like that guy, until injuries derailed him. A similar fate may befall Bobby Convey. Landon Donovan will never be the guy. Maybe one of these days someone will. Connected to this is:

16. MLS matters: I don’t like MLS. Its level of play is third tier. They don’t even get the second level Latin and South American players; those guys run to Mexico, Argentina and Brazil to play. Maybe David Beckham and possibly Zinedine Zidane can generate enough interest into making soccer a viable enterprise in this country.

15. Lastings Milledge actually is given a chance: only Mets fans and the NY media are down on this kid. Projection systems love him because of his excellent year in the pitcher friendly International League (and very pitcher friendly Norfolk ball park). If they’re right, the Mets should be playing him there rather than Shawn Green.

14. For an athlete to say “it is about the money”: We came oh so close with Tyrus Thomas calling the slam dunk contest “easy money” but he’s since backed off those statements. I don’t see why someone doesn’t just come out and admit it. I mean is there anyone who believes that a multi billion dollar industry isn’t driven by the green first and foremost?

13. Baseball writers come off their pedestals: If I read one more piece where baseball writers claim a “moral dilemma” with how voting for Barry Bonds for the HoF will affect their children, I’m going to vomit. Or short of that:

12. Some lovable “Scrapper” gets busted for steroid use: So tired of people railing on how Barry Bonds destroyed the game when it’s obvious PED use is rampant in sports. Nothing would shut people up more than seeing someone in the mold of David Eckstein get busted for it.

11. Repeating as Fantasy Football champion: Repeats are hard to do, as the NCAA pool showed. Plus fantasy football is the king of all the fantasy sports; it gets you the most rep.

10. Dan Haren traded to the Mets: Haren would become one of the top ten pitchers in the league. There’s almost no way a pitcher with his peripherals wouldn’t pitch to at least a 3.50 ERA in the National League and at Shea Stadium.

9. Finally Doing Something in Fantasy Baseball: Baseball is the sport I know best, yet despite that Lance and I have had two straight years of bottom tier finishes. Pathetic. This year I want to actually be able to make moves at the deadline to try to win the league. Though Zach would probably tell me “get to fifth place before you dream of first.”

8. Jose Reyes to continue walking: I wanted him to start in 2006. It happened. If Reyes maintains what he did last year, he’ll be very good. If he improves, he’ll be a star.

7. The Jets Don’t Regress:The Jets had a great season, spurred on by an easy out of division schedule. Next year it will have to be harder, so the hope is the Jets can go 10-6 again or maybe even improve. Can’t say I’m overly optimistic, but we’ve got a long way to go until September.

6. Some big time sports person to dismiss the idea of “clutch”: Embrace the small sample size people. It allows Alex Gomez to produce a very good average over a four game stretch. Or Yadier Molina to be the MVP of a seven game series. Or Alex Rodriguez to go 1-14. But don’t try to tell us that these players possess some mythical ability to raise their game or have an inherent flaw to choke when the games mean more.

5. Oliver Perez returns to 2004 form: It’s no secret that I’m a huge supporter of the erratic fireballing lefty. If Perez produces like and ace, then the Mets are in great shape. If he produces like a #3 they’ll be fine. His arm is still electric and he can erase a lot of bad memories about hard throwing lefties if he comes up big this season.

4. To regain my love for the NHL: I don’t know what happened. Years ago I’d never watch the Nets over the Rangers. Now that’s what I find myself doing. No clue as to the reason, but I hope whatever it is passes soon.

3. One of my four favorite teams wins a championship: Twas my number one last year. Unfortunately my lack of funds have forced me into knocking this down a few pegs this year. While I’d love to see one of my teams actually win it all, there are some more pressing problems which take my top two wishes this year.

2. A job sports writing: Last year I said in NY. I’m a lot less picky a year later. This by all rights should be numero uno for obvious reasons, but it’s Valentine’s day. So:

1. A date with a cute female sports fan: A hold over. So what? It’s the dream of many a sports fans out there and on Valentine’s Day, it’s quite appropriate. Besides it’s pathetic that I’ve never had a date on my birthday with my last name. Won’t happen this year either, but maybe in 2008?

So that’s 24 for 2007 on this 2/14. Will I have better luck this year than last? You’d have to think so, right? Of course, life, like sports, can be very unpredictable. That’s what makes it great.

Here’s to hoping year 24 will be as solid as the years that preceded it and less heart stopping than the show of the same name. I tend to think partying with Wright and Reyes is a bit more suited to me than hanging out with Jack Bauer.

Happy (Ben) Valentine’s Day.

Posted by Ben Valentine at 1:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

The day before Valentine’s Day usually means nothing to most people. For a few, it means a last second scramble to buy their loved one assorted chocolates or stuffed bears which will be thrown out by March 1st.

But then for me, it is a time of reflection, because Valentine’s Day is also my birthday. In case you are curious if the greatest of all coincidences (see my last name for further clarification) has helped me over the years I will say this; no one ever forgets it but I’ve yet to have any bonus points for romance thus far. I suppose it’s a cosmic trade off of some sort.

Anyway in 2006, I made 23 sports related birthday wishes. They were mostly of the comedic variety, some to the extreme, but I certainly hoped a few got done. Let’s just say the luck on the wish list was very similar to my luck with romance thus far.

The format is simple; the wish is in normal text and my 2007 comment is italicized.

23. Some baseball player to have his at bat music (the song that plays when he comes up) be Pink Floyd’s “Money”. It works on so many levels. For example, imagine if A-Rod strolled to the plate with when they sing the words “I’m in a high fidelity first class traveling set and I think I need a Leer Jet”. Seriously, how A-Rod is that? Also if Mo Vaughn were still playing, “Mo Money, Mo Problems” would suffice.

Can’t say for sure if this happened. But I didn’t hear it at any ball game I went to this year.

22. Ron Artest becomes the NBA’s most dynamic player. I’d find it funny to find the mainstream media sucking up to their former most hated man in the NBA.

Artest recently made the news for animal control issues. Same old Ron-Ron. But I’ve got new hopes for him this year. See tomorrow’s list for more details.

21. Skip Bayless to just go away. Self explanatory.

I had heard it happened. But about a month and a half ago I saw him on Cold Pizza talking about the NFL. He’s never going anywhere.

20. Olympic commentators become listenable. Seriously, these people only come out once ever four years. Couldn’t they spend some of that time coming up with something interesting to say outside of “magnificent, beautiful performance” for people they like (and are favored) and “ooh that mistake’s going to cost him/her, well he/she tried hard” for those who aren’t considered favorites.

Olympic commentary, save the hockey (which is done by actual NHL broadcasters) is just as unlistenable as ever. Thank god we won’t have to hear it until Summer of 2008.

19. The Knicks to get the #1 pick this year… which would then be shipped to the Bulls as part of the Eddie Curry trade. Believe me Knick fans, after years of suffering through all of you making fun of my Nets fandom, this is payback.

They got the number two pick. In what looks like a weak draft year, Curry for Tyrus Thomas looks like a good trade for the Knicks. Of course without Curry and with their #1 pick this year, they might be playing for Greg Oden or Kevin Durant.

18. The return of the Montreal Expos as an MLB franchise. Montreal is a great city and they got shafted by the evils of Bud Selig. Besides, who doesn’t miss Youppi?

I couldn’t even do this in my old baseball mogul games.

17. For the ability to go back in time, and stop Jim Duquette from trading Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano. Also self explanatory and probably on the wish lists of every Mets fan out there.

This actually happened. But when I returned to the present I learned Jim Duquette hadn’t been fired, Kris Benson was the Mets’ ace and Pedro Martinez/Carlos Beltran/Carlos Delgado were all on the New York Yankees. So I went back in time, made the trade happen, so Omar Minaya could be become GM of the Mets and they could take their place as the best team in the N.L. Mets fans should thus humbly offer up Kazmir for the greater good of Met betterment.

16. In the second round of the 2006 NFL draft, the Jets take Sinronce Moss, Santana’s younger brother, and give him # 83, thus making my “retro” Moss jersey wearable again. Along with this, the Jets can draft D’Brickashaw Ferguson in round 1 and Marcus Vick in round 3. Voila… the start of something special on offense!

D’Brick happened; the others not so much. Can’t argue with the Jets draft though.

15. Stuart Scott and Stephen A. Smith to go away with Skip Bayless. The revolution does not need blatant stereotypes.

The revolution may not need blatant stereotypes, but ESPN does.

14. Jae Seo wins 20 games this season, proving me and all his believers right.

Seo was shipped out from LA, but would have been light years better than Steve Trachsel if he were still on the Mets. Seo didn’t have a bad year in Tampa, but Duaner Sanchez pitched well last year. Just avoid taxis this year.

13. Henrik Lundqvist to win the Vezina and the Calder trophies. This would almost guarantee the Rangers are one of the top seeds in the Eastern Conference.

The Rangers collapsed, Lundqvist got hurt, and the Devils swept them in the first round. This year Lundqvist is getting killed by a propensity for rebounds and a lousy defense.

12. Jose Reyes actually changes his name legally to “Run, Don’t Walk”, or actually learns how to get the free pass to first. Either way the entertainment value would be off the charts.

Stop the presses! This one ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!! And Reyes became a top ten player in the National League. You want to the definition of speed? Check out his inside the park home run against the LA Dodgers.

11. Winning my fantasy baseball league, ideally with many of the players from my team last year. Don’t celebrate yet, Zach, T-Bone, John and David, I’m not going to be stupid enough to draft Dan Haren and Jeremy Bonderman in the 1st round.

Lance and I finished second to last. But David and I did win the fantasy football league. So all in all a successful fantasy league season.

10. Jason Kidd remembers what defense was. The hall of famer can still bring it on the offensive end of the court, but defensively he’s one of the biggest liabilities in the NBA. Unless Nenad Krstic becomes a dominant force in the middle, allowing the Nets to outscore their opponents, or the Nets get a great defensive big man, they’re going to have trouble against the top teams in the postseason.

Kidd is playing the best ball of his career, but he still can’t play defense. No Krstic, no RJ, means no chance at a championship. At least Marcus Williams is making me giddy about the future. But he owed me one- see #6.

9. Aaron Heilman wins 20 games in 2006. It will make me look smart considering all the hyping I’ve done of him on the blog. Preferably, this would be for the Mets.

Didn’t ever crack the rotation because he was lied to by the Mets management. He’s a damn good reliever but there’s no chance he ever re-ups with the Mets. Too bad, he’s got good stuff.

8. A date with Jessica Biel. Okay I know this has the least chance of happening (yeah, I’ve got a better chance of going back in time to stop the Kazmir trade), but hey it’s a wish, not a prediction!

Not only did this not happen (what, don’t all look surprised), she’s been linked to Derek Jeter. I know, this just ruins my chances. Or does it enhance it, since Ms. Biel digs the interracial guys?

7. Trinidad gets out of the first round of the World Cup. It would probably be the biggest upset of the entire tournament.

They got a point, which quite frankly was all I could hope for. And for one and a half games, they had a chance to advance. Thanks for the memories guys, it was the most enthralling WC point I’ve had the chance to witness.

6. To repeat as NCAA tournament pool champion. Repeats in anything are hard to do. This one has an added bonus as well, but with respect to Janet Jones Gretzky, I won’t say what that is.

I was looking good until Marcus Williams, Josh Boone and the rest of the UConn Huskies collapsed in the second half against George Mason. Rudy Gay went MIA and still hasn’t been found. I think I finished in fourth.

5. Getting a full time job covering sports in the NY area. Quite self explanatory.

Didn’t happen much to my dismay.

4. For just two of these things on this list to actually happen. Is that so much to ask?

Reyes gives me one. Does fantasy football instead of baseball count as two? D’Brick as a third? You tell me.

3. To score a date with a cute female sports fan. This one has a slightly better chance of happening than the Jessica Biel wish.

Did not happen, much to my dismay. I know there’s got to be one who digs interracial guys and isn’t dating Derek Jeter.

2. The ultimate dream… become the owner of my own MLB franchise. Preferably the Montreal Expos. All I need is a couple of hundred million dollars to lay the groundwork. Contributors will have jobs in the organization. Come on, you know I could run a team better than the geniuses who are overseeing the Dodgers/Royals/Pirates…

If this did happen, you think this blog would still exist? I’d have hired everyone out and turned into the teams’ PR blog.

1. To be able to see one of my teams win a championship. Yeah, I said I would exclude this from the list, but this is a slightly different wish. I’d like any of my favorite teams to win a championship, I don’t care which one. The Rangers won in 94, but with my lack of cable TV (then and now) I wasn’t able to watch. Seeing my team win it all is something that has never happened for me before. It’d be nice to experience, especially after seeing all those Yankee fans get to see it every… damn… year…

Might have happened if not for Yadier Molina and Adam Wainwright. On the other hand for the first time in my lifetime, the Mets, Jets, Rangers and Nets all made the playoffs in one calendar year. Can’t complain about that, especially since it does not figure to happen again in 2007.

Tomorrow: the 2007 Birthday wish list.

Posted by Ben Valentine at 5:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

As both David and Ben have done, I decided to take a look back at my writings for the site over the last year and perhaps try and find the pieces I was most proud of. 2006 was quite an eventful year for me: I graduated college and moved back to my hometown of Seattle. I moved the site from Blogger to our own domain, which was quite an arduous task. Through it all, I found plenty to write about, as you'll see.

The year kicked off with the Seahawks setting a franchise record for wins with 13. After a bye week, they defeated the Washington Redskins in the divisional round of the playoffs for their first postseason win since I was a year old. They followed that up with a rousing win over the Panthers to go to their first Super Bowl in franchise history. Needless to say, I was excited. The build-up to the game saw me ripping Jerome Bettis, musing about life as a Seattle sports fan, and of course previewing the game. Once Super Bowl Sunday rolled around, I did the whole live-blogging thing. Unfortunately, the game didn't go quite as I had hoped, which meant the post-game breakdown was a bit shorter than it would have been had the Seahawks won.

With the football season over, my thoughts turned both to my future and to the impending baseball season. The Mariners' decision to use Carl Everett as their DH may have been frustrating, but at least it spawned a great nickname. The biggest story of the year centered around PEDs, and particularly Barry Bonds. I was often struck by how ignorant most people were of the truth about PEDs, and the rumors that swirled after the whole Jason Grimsley affidavit leak led me to consider a bleak future for fandom. And as a journalism major, I was disturbed at the way Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada were punished for refusing to reveal their sources.

The NBA season wasn't all that exciting, though I got to dust off my annual "Steve Nash Shouldn't Be MVP" piece. I also examined how so many people, myself included, were wrong about Tayshaun Prince's NBA potential.

Of course, the biggest NBA news of the season for me was the sale of the Sonics to a group of Oklahoma City businessmen. While I'm more optimistic now than I was at the time, going to Opening Night with my dad had an ominous feel.

I couldn't work it into the above paragraphs, but perhaps my favorite piece of 2006 was written after Maurice Clarett was arrested (again). His is a cautionary tale that being good at carrying a football doesn't make you good at life.

I have to say that i was much more optimistic, especially sports-wise, heading into 2006 than I am heading into 2007. The Seahawks are, as I said a week or so ago, a quivering pile of suck, and only the fact that the Cowboys are also terrible may save them from a first-round loss. The Sonics are bad and directionless, and the Mariners have gotten very slightly better for 2007 at way too high a cost. The UW football team still sucks, and the basketball team, while talented, is almost comically inexperienced. In short, I'm not counting on 2007 being the year one of my teams wins a championship. But if somehow they do, I bet you my Year 2007 retrospective will be far less of a downer to read.

Posted by Zachary Geballe at 6:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It’s time to look back.

Yes, I know people normally do this at the end of the year but I never found that to make much sense. No one evaluates a President until he’s officially out of office. Heck sportswriters give their team grades after the season is over.

So in that vein, I’m doing my top ten columns on the first day of the New Year. Unlike David, this is a top ten format; I like assigning rank to my work since I’m my own harshest critic. The reason for why the piece made the top ten are listed, but it goes without saying these are my favorite ones for the year 2006.

So here they are, the Ben Valentine Top Ten of 2006:

10. Shaka N’ Awed: My response to the Trinidad draw against Sweden that opened the Soca Warriors’ World Cup. It was the piece that in truth, took years to write, since Trinidad’s run to the Cup had been that long in the making. I still look back at that one game and smile; it forever made my 2006 WC memory a positive one.

9. Moon Shine: Warren Moon; all time great. But for some reason people disagree, even as Moon was enshrined in Canton. My reasons for why they’re wrong are outlined in this piece.

8. How Can You Pinch Hit For So Taguchi?: Baseball dominates the list, and this is one of my all time favorite pieces of writing just because of the irony of what I said in August and how things turned in October. And no matter how many times you play Game 2 over again for me, I stand by my title.

7. Not Kidding Around: My shot at Jason Kidd’s defense before it became fashionable to take shots at Jason Kidd’s defense. It’s even more pertinent now, considering the Nets are one of the worst defensive teams in the league. By the way, even though I haven’t written about them, I am a Nets fan.

6. The Birthday Wish List: Sports, wishes, silly-ness and Jessica Biel = me having fun. And really isn’t that the reason why people blog? If you like this, the 2007 edition is coming in less than two months.

5. It’s Been a While : Every so often we can get reflective, this was that for me. It’s amazing how much can change in a relatively short period of time. Just imagine if I’d done based off my teams winning championships rather than the postseason. (Hint: it would be ongoing)

4. Two Sides of the Same Coin: I’ve made many Barry Bonds comparisons, defenses and that jazz, but I felt this one was the most comprehensive. And nobody’s ever answered how come when Barry Bonds defies conventional wisdom it’s because he’s cheating and when Lance Armstrong does it it’s because he’s a freak of nature with like a one in a million condition or something like that. (Rather than the more simple “if he wins in a sport where everyone dopes, then yeah, he probably dopes too.”)

3. The Assault On .500: I thought I’d tick off Philly Phans when I wrote this series. As it turns out, I got most of my compliments from them. Nunez was that bad people. By the way, I’m seriously thinking about trying to start an internet campaign to get Nunez elected to the All Star Game in 2007. Suck-age like his deserves recognition. Who’s with me?

This by the way, is my one actually cataloging the worst seasons of the decade.

2. Free Baseball: What do you get when you have two sports fans, on opposite sides of the country, both dateless on a Friday night? If Tony LaRussa is managing against Dusty Baker in an extra inning game, high class entertainment.

1. Derek and Alex’s Mythical Journey: 6/25 Outside of the Ballad of Isiah, no one Sportszilla piece drew as much reaction as my attempt at “definitively” proving the A-Rod/Jeter clutch theory to be mere myth. I had tried this before, but it wasn’t nearly as well broken down as this one. The stats heavy nature made it an even more bitterly contested debate. This piece was so hot at one point, it got mentioned in the San Jose Mercury News’ “On the Web” Section.

If I could, I’d write that well more often.

And let’s hope that I do. 2007 is a new year; new possibilities, new opportunities, new topics, new debates and of course, new controversies. All the stuff that makes for great stuff to write about. So it’s a new year at Sportszilla.

Hope you guys (and gals) spend some of it with us.

Posted by Ben Valentine at 1:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The 2006 calendar year is almost over, and, as is custom, many of us reflect on our exploits of the past twelve months. Sportszilla is no different, and so I'll be first to present reflections on a few of the pieces I enjoyed writing this past year. This isn't necessarily a "Best Of" list, but more a representative recap of what concerned me and what I tried to accomplish in this space in 2006. Organized by sport...

FOOTBALL

The Simplest Notation Possible
With this piece, I honestly thought I could change Aaron Schatz's mind and get him to alter the statistical language Football Outsiders uses. I still think my proposals make more sense and would cause more people to take to FO, but I also recognize that my suggestions came rather late in the game.

This Is Why We Play The Games
I posted this the night before Ben and I won our fantasy football league. I wanted to boast to our league about our fantasy football prowess in a humorous way, playing the disrespect card and so on, but I still take the league seriously enough that I didn't want to jinx anything, and self-referential stuff that nobody outside my group of friends understands makes for bad content, too. A fill-in-the-blank form letter was a nice solution to my desire to boast without actually doing it. Ben filled in the blanks for our specific team after we won.

BASEBALL

At The Center Of Our Beseeching Screaming
Writers write what happens. In this case, the introduction to my piece is true; I was out running errands and knew I'd have some time to kill, so I brought along a Halberstam book, when I started thinking about Ted Williams, Joe DiMaggio, steroids, and baseball. Instead of wrestling the piece into a box, I tried to embrace baseball's romance and the emotional messiness of the situation in conveying my take.

Why We Cheer Bonds (And Why You Shouldn't Ridicule Us For It)
On the other hand, sometimes, attacking a subject from a rhetorically detached position is the most effective way to make a point. I knew if I lashed out I wouldn't convince anyone that their unabashed derision of Giants fans was stupid, so I attempted to strike a reasonable tone in this piece. It's easy to read it as a defense of Bonds, if that's what you want it to be, but I think it's really a denouncement of uncritical thinking. I will repeat it as long as I have to: circumstantial evidence indicates PED use is almost certainly rampant in the NFL, the NBA, and MLB. To single out one player as "most evil" among the rest of the proven cheaters is silly.

High School Baseball
I was once told that if I wanted to feel good about myself, I should just volunteer in a kindergarten classroom, because the kids give their love unconditionally. It is a well established literary trope that youth is a cure for cynicism. I saw that in action this April at one of my alma mater's baseball games.

MEDIA

ESPN Is The New Nickelodeon
This one isn't about a sport, but a network. I was chatting with Zach one night when I realized that the rise and fall of ESPN followed a similar pattern to that of Nickelodeon. I asked Zach for a few ideas, and, for kids who grew up on ESPN and Nickelodeon, it was really easy to draw up the parallels. Note, also, that I was just getting on a pretty heavy Chuck Klosterman kick, so I definitely wanted to try the whole "witty cultural criticism" thing.

BASKETBALL

Eating My Words, Or, Maybe, A Basketball
Baseball is, without question, my favorite sport. However, in looking back at this year, I was surprised to see how much I paid attention to basketball. This story is a fun little anecdote about how one of the girls I know picked George Mason to win the NCAA Tourney, and how I made fun of her for it. Yeah, not a good idea.

NBA Draft Philosophy
Zach and I had discussed this issue for about a year before I put the piece together. In short: NBA busts are caused by GMs basing picks on imagination rather than fact. If a GM based his or her picks on how good a player is at that moment as opposed to how good he or she thinks the player will be in the future, then the team would end up with good players more often. The statistical evidence is included with charts linked in the column.

The Ballad of Isiah
I and Sportszilla got a lot of mileage out of this two-minute video slideshow explaining just how Isiah Thomas is a terrible GM. After the post was linked by Deadspin, it spread via basketball blogs and message boards until the MSM took notice. The video got mentioned in several Tri-State newspapers including the New York Times, which tickled my dad to no end. Who'd a' thunk that by the end of the year, Isiah would ratchet up the stakes by taking over as Knicks coach and thoroughly embarrassing himself after an on-court fight by blaming the other team for leaving decent players on the floor and stating that his team had completely surrendered?

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Ah election day.

There are few days like it and on especially important ones like last Tuesday, the entire time from around 9:00 PM to 1 AM is one spent watching and waiting. People that care sit waiting, wondering what could be and how it will all turn out. Who will win? Who will lose? What color will that state end up, red or blue? All questions that draw people in.

So by now you’ve got to be asking; what the hell are you doing writing about election night on a sports blog?

Well that’s because mid term and presidential election coverage is always are run and treated like an actual sporting event. It’s akin seeing who’s going emerge victorious in a championship game.

I’m serious. Think about it; the winning and losing, all the numbers to show you who’s ahead and behind. There are analysts telling you what each party has to do meet their respective goals as triumph and adversity swing there way. It’s game night; where all the weeks and months of trash talking has come to a head. Within a four to six hour period, we know who’s gotten all the marbles.

And it translates into the coverage. You’ve got your play by play guy in the lead anchor person. They’re the guy (or in CBS’s case lady) who gives you the standard running picture on the action. They let you know who’s up, who’s behind and what it all means in the context of the game. If Hillary Clinton is destroying her opponent in the NY Senate race, Charles Gibson on ABC is going to tell you “Senator Clinton has coasted to a re-election bid, capturing 70% percent of the vote”. That’s akin to giving you the score; Clinton 70- Spencer 29. Pretty nasty rout there.

They’re also there to tell you how it matters in the larger context of the game. If the Democrats are making serious run at the Senate, Katie Couric will let you know how close they are to making that dream a reality: “With six seats left, the Democrats will need to capture all six to win control of the Senate.”

But it extends beyond that; you’ve even got your color commentators, AKA political analysts. These are supposedly “Washington Inside Men”, who have seen campaigns in both victory and defeat. (Or they know many who have.) They’ve got access to all the major players by virtue of their longtime association with Capitol Hill, and as a result provide the insight that we the viewers at home, who only have a vague understanding of the political machine, sorely lack. For the common person watching, they seem insightful and intelligent.

But for people who follow politics, study history and consider themselves fairly immune to political double talk, they’ll seem like jackasses who speak the obvious. (You don’t know how many times I repeated “I said that an hour ago!” whenever an analyst uttered something obvious)

Next up, you’ll get the reporters in the field, usually stationed at various headquarters. These are like the sideline reporters. In fact much like sideline reporters, this position is often (but not always) staffed by a woman. Their job is pretty simple actually; to say exactly what they see and ask about what they don’t. If the mood is good (and that is always asked) they have to tell you. If it’s bad, they won’t say it so succinctly, but will find a delicate way of saying it.

For example, a candidate is down by 40 points with 60% of the precincts reporting. It’s over. Everyone is pissed they wasted millions of dollars and countless hours of their lives on this losing effort. The correspondent says:

“Well Brian, the mood is down a little, but the people here remain optimistic. They know that no one outside of their candidate’s neighborhood knows his name, but they’re still believing an act of god (or computer hacker) will change things.”

You could go to a bar in Kansas City in July and hear the same thing. If a reporter went to a group of Royals fans, they’d all admit that no one outside of their region knows who John Buck is (what, he’s not Joe Buck’s half brother?) but they’re still hoping baseball disqualifies everyone else for steroid use, giving the Royals the World Series by default. (And since the Royals are too cheap to buy ‘Roids for their players they’d never have to worry about getting caught with everyone else)

On Presidential Election night, since the broadcast runs forever, you’ll get studio guests, who are often former politicians themselves. This is equivalent to when Philadelphia Phillies’ shortstop Jimmy Rollins shows up sitting between Jeanne Zelasko and Kevin Kennedy for no apparent reason during the baseball postseason.

But that’s just the coverage similarities with the media. The actual breakdown of the night is also very sports-esque.

Let’s forget the whole fact that elections are usually called races, because even that jackass of a political analyst could figure that out. Instead let’s break down the way it’s portrayed.

You have candidate’s pictures place by their name and party with their score, AKA their percentage of the vote and actual vote total. In fact in a close race you’ll hear the anchor often say “the candidate is trailing by just 3,000 votes with just over 75% of the precincts reporting in.” That’s basically saying “okay, the candidate is down seven with three minutes to go in the game. Can he make a late rally and seize victory from the jaws of defeat?” (As what happened in the Missouri Senate Race.)

Of course you’ve got those political analysts jumping in to recite the obvious; i.e. what exit polls found. They’ll say what apparently helped and hurt a candidate. Tuesday I found out from George Stephanopoulos that the Iraq war actually hurt the Republicans. That was almost as brilliant as when I heard Gary Danielson in the Utah-Pittsburgh Fiesta Bowl a few years back say “Pittsburgh has to score touchdowns to win this game.”

You will also get shots of supporters, either at headquarters or elsewhere (they’re the fans). If it’s a presidential election, you’ll even get “focus” groups who are asked why they support a candidate despite the fact he’s a closet racist who attempted to win his seat by using the old time fear of miscegenation. These are the die hards, they support him through thick and thin, no matter how many times he’s reneged on promises to them and their fellow constituents.

Finally when the election has been decided, you get the post game press conference, AKA the victory or concession speech. You’ll even those sideline reporters talking about what they asked the candidate.

“Well James, coach Parcells was disappointed by the fact his team lost thanks to a botched field goal attempt, the ensuing return, face mask penalty and a 47 yard field goal. He said he was impressed with how his team fought today and was upset they didn’t get the outcome they desired.”

“Well Charles, Senator A was disappointed he lost his reelection bid thanks to an unpopular war, allegations of infidelity, spousal abuse and association with child molesters and political criminals. He added he was impressed with the hard work his campaign staff did throughout and was saddened they didn’t get the outcome they all worked so hard for.”

Anyone who’s watched a political event knows that’s the basic thing that correspondent is going to say whenever it becomes official that the guy they’re covering lost. And you can reverse those two quotes for a victory by changing “disappointed” to “happy”, “lost to won” and the second half of the last sentence to “pleased with the result in this game/election.” Oh and if it’s political, there is a mandatory “The people have spoken!”

Well 51% percent of 52% of the population I suppose…

So don’t hate on election night. In fact people should start throwing election night parties just like they do Super Bowl ones. You could even have jerseys of the candidates; for example, how about "McCain-08" versus "Obama-08". And of course you’d have people wearing the throwbacks, such as the "Regan 80", "Kennedy 60" and the ever popular but extremely controversial "Bush 00". (Double zero’s usually are). And I guarantee you the conversation would never go dull; someone’s always got an opinion on how much they have to pay to the government every year.

And if you’ve got political observant folks, you could even get into conversations about the moves the party did or did not make. For example: “Man, I wonder if Bush should have pulled Rumsfeld earlier. His presence is killing the Republican squad tonight. The Democrats are turning him into their own personal b*$%#.”

Granted the commercials aren’t as good, but the action most nights is better. I mean, most Super Bowls are over by the third quarter. And besides there is one compelling reason an election party is a bit more practical than a Super Bowl one;

Unlike the Super Bowl, it actually will affect your life.

Finally, and unfortunately sadly, I guarantee if you ask a group of ten people what was the big news Tuesday, three would say “Oh my god, I cannot believe Britney and Kevin are getting a divorce!” There would probably be a random fourth (likely a middle aged woman) who would say: “I could not believe Kirstie Alley wore a bikini on Oprah.”

These were two of the stories in the first three pages of Wednesday’s New York Newsday. Granted the election had a section onto itself, but it could have been a nothing day and that would still have been a travesty. It should go without saying that those two nuggets should be in the entertainment section, if anywhere at all. I guarantee internationally, nationally or locally, there were bigger and far more important stories.

Some people may not like me for saying this, but screw it: if people actually believe that who Britney is banging or how a 55 year old former star from the 1980’s looks in essentially her bra and panties is important news, then Donald Rumsfeld really did get a bum rap. America deserves leaders who reflect the population; in other words, who are oblivious to real life as they are. If Britney and Kirstie are more important than the hundreds of people (and tens of Americans) dying each day, then why should the secretary of Defense (or the President for that matter) actually respect them enough to give them the truth?

Kind of like those Yankee fans who aren’t smart enough to realize they’re watching an all time great at third base and would rather eat up all that local columnist tells them they should about choking and not being clutch. If they really think anyone is better than A-Rod, then they should trade him for anything and put Miguel Cairo out there every day. Then maybe, just maybe, they’ll finally wake up. Of course, then it will be too late.

Ah, sports and politics.

They’re more similar than you think.

Posted by Ben Valentine at 6:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

So last night saw the much-anticipated (at least by me and Deadspin) appearance of Bill Simmons, ESPN.com personality, on my favorite television show, The Colbert Report. For those of you unfamiliar with the show, it basically does to news pundit shows what The Daily Show does to the evening news. I've loved watching Colbert ever since he first appeared on The Daily Show years ago, and his new show rarely fails to crack me up.

So how did Billy do? Well, it was a mixed bag. On the plus side, his voice was far less grating then I remembered from his ill-conceived appearances on I Love the 80s/90s. Maybe he's been getting some coaching or something. The negative: he looked pretty puffy...I guess all that playing Madden while using the treadmill isn't enough to maintain a lean physique.

Of course, the real questions were: was he gonna say anything funny or intelligent (or god forbid, both). My expectations weren't exactly sky-high, considering that the quality of his columns has drastically declined over the last few years, and he gets to spend hours on those. Off-the-cuff witty remarks are rarely part of a writer's arsenal.

He didn't exactly start out on a high note, first calling his book "already dated," since apparently a 2004 World Series championship isn't enough for him and other Red Sox fans. Considering how frequently he harped on his damn "five-year grace period" idea, it's odd that he's already saying stuff like Red Sox fans were happier before they won the World Series. Yeah, I really feel sorry for you Billy boy, what with your 2004 World Series title, your three Super Bowl wins in the last five years, not to mention 16 Celtics titles. That sound? It's me beating myself in the head with a Super Bowl XL DVD set.

The only real funny line he had was in reference to George Bush throwing out the first pitch for Game 3 of the 2001 World Series, and delivering a strike despite the bulletproof vest he was wearing. Simmons noted that he doubted any other president could have done as well, and said "Bill Clinton throws like a girl." Good stuff.

He also unveiled his plan to save USA Basketball, by making 18-year-olds play. I agree with the point that it's hard to expect greatness when the players barely get a chance to practice together, and it would be nice to see a real national team formed, but I'm not sure why everyone gets so up in arms about us losing. There's no law in nature that says that the US has to win every major basketball championship for the rest of existance. Deal with the fact that basketball now belongs to the world, and we'll all be the better for it.

In honor of Awful Announcing's ratings system, this appearance gets 1 1/2 eagles attacking and killing a bear.

Posted by Zachary Geballe at 9:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)